Horses Are Dumb

When I was a kid, I remember hearing so many of my peers wanting a horse or a pony for Christmas. As an adult, I still hear it from kids, mostly from little girls who dream of riding a horse bareback down a grassy hill with the shirtless-love-of-their-life-Fabio-looking-guy riding a few strides behind her. Ok, so maybe little girls don't think so much about the Fabio guy, but roll with me.

Here's what I'm saying - horses are dumb. What good is a horse going to do for you when you're a kid? Sure you can ride it around a little, but that'll get old quick. When I was a kid, I didn't want a horse, even then I knew they were useless to me. What did I want? A polar bear.

Heck yeah, having a polar bear as a kid would rock. If you're getting beat up on the playground and all you have is a horse, what good is that to you? I guess you can ride him to safety, but what would that teach a kid about character? If your teacher gives you a bad grade, what would a kid with a horse do, have the horse poop on the teacher's desk? (actually that would be pretty cool, I had some teachers that I'd like a horse to poo on their desk...) Anyway, a kid having trouble with his math homework? Sure, horses know lots about new math...NOT!

Now a polar bear, that's an animal that can help in all these situations and more! Kid getting beaten up? Have your polar bear eat the bully. Teacher hassling you? Have your polar bear eat her. Trouble with math? Have your polar bear eat the homework, the textbook, and then the teacher if she gives you grief over it.

Polar bears are so much cooler than horses. Yeah, so much cooler.

Oh yeah, I got bit by a horse once. No, not a lab horse, a real horse in a real field with real big teeth.

It hurt. A lot. The end.