My Attempt at Transparency...

So I want to be transparent, but I want to guard that transparency. I want to be known, yet I don't want to reveal. I'm scared to be known because I feel that I've never been known, at least not really known. In one of my classes the other day, we had this quote from an article (sorry, didn't write down who wrote it, but it's safe to assume it's a really smart guy/gal) "...being known inside out is their most dreaded nightmare and their most fervent wish."

This just about sums up my experience so far, I'm scared to death to be known deeply, because then you have ammunition to not like me. I think back to many of the relationships I've had over the years and how I withheld parts of myself because I was afraid if someone saw too deeply they wouldn't like me. Yet how am I to have a serious, honest, real relationship (community) with someone if I'm not open and honest? Not that I have to tell my deepest, darkest secrets to everyone I meet, (Imagine, "Hi Bob, I'm Tim. I used to wet the bed when I was a kid and sometimes I lie awake in bed daydreaming about adventures I'm too scared to take in real life.)

When I'm in a relationship with someone (not a romantic relationship,) I can't help but think, "Why would this person even want to know anything about me? Why would I burden them with who I really am, let's just keep it superficial. Yet, it's my most fervent wish that I didn't have to keep me bottled up in me, that I could be real and share and be known. But who would want to know? This is why I'm convinced that I have no clue how to have an adult relationship. I've never done it before. I've sorta inched into uncomfortable territory with few in the past, but I always keep most of me hidden. I don't want to anymore, but I will. Don't worry, I will. I pray that I learn how to let others in.