Not a welcome back

This isn't a welcome back as I probably won't be writing on this blog again any time soon. I'm just in a weird mood and need to write something. I'm sitting at my new job at 4:16am and there's nothing to do. So what's my new job? I'm the night front desk-man at a posh hotel for two nights a week. Tonight is my first night. Obviously since I'm new at this, there's very little I understand, which leaves me feeling like I want to run across the street, jump in my car, zoom zoom home, and never come back. I think not knowing everything about this job scares me, leaves me feeling like I'm not good enough, smart enough, or useful enough. But it's the first day, right? Yeah, but I have an uneasy feeling about this job. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that I've never worked a grave-yard job, maybe it's because it's only two nights a week, maybe it's because it's in an unfamiliar part of the new city I've lived in for a month and a half 2700 miles from home! (I know Cara, that's a run on sentence like you've bever heard.) Maybe I'm missing my old home, my family, heck, even my wife who is (hopefully) asleep 2.35 miles away. I'm worried. I've never really been worried. Or maybe I'm not worried. Since I've never really been worried, how can I even know if what I'm feeling really is worry? For the sake of the argument, I'll just call it worry. I'm worried about starting a new school in a few weeks. I'm worried that I won't be good enough, smart enough, that I won't think the way they think and I'll be made to look like a fool. I'm afraid of not making the grade. Yeah, afraid is a good word, maybe better than worry. I'm afraid of not fitting in. The people who attend and teach at this school are thinkers on a higher plain and I'm afraid I won't fit in. I don't feel that I am an original thinker, I just process and spit out other's ideas. When I see something new and innovative, I can't help but think, "Why didn't I think of that?" I didn't think of that because I don't think on that level. Will I ever? How did I get to talking about my fears about school when I started out talking about wanting to run from my job? I guess it all boils down to one thing...and if you know what that one thing is, please let me know.