Princess Julia

In the movie Ghost World, the main character Enid presents a piece of "found art" to her summer school art class. I thought (and, to a certain degree still think) this was odd, Enid was presented with an assignment and instead of creating a piece of art on her own, she found a picture in her friend's house and presented it in place of her own creation. With that in mind, I would like to present a piece of "found journal." The writing is not my own. Yesterday as my wife and I walked to the movie theater I found two pieces of paper, torn out of a journal. I present them here, in unedited form.

8/27/06
"As I begin along these pages my heart aches to run after him - Oh Lord fatigue leans on me like a wedge a concrete plank along my shoulders, my chest, my heart - It is only to you I need to run to - hide behind - I want him to fight for me - show any emotion he has left - even anger - and then I push him there and all he has left - all he wants to do is sleep - Did I create this? Our sin - our consequences creat ugliness - In ourselves + everything we touch - It has only been 12 days sine Maddy's death + as I looked up at him las night - The pain seared within my heart + the lump in my throat as I attempted to push all of the emotions back - But this army always outnumbers my own - and as I hear the news of Toughy's death - and the picture of grief on my parents face as they try to take the pain away - as they try to understand + comfort him + each other I am reminded of him again - and all he tried to do keep our world from unraveling - John - this name - His name means protector - but he could not protect me - Him - us - from all of the grief our situation created - He used to show up at my house every morning - with some kind of treat before he headed of to his world - so planned - so prepared + so energized - He was so happy when we first met - Lord His love reminds me so much of Yours - And as it broke into so many tiny pieces I find myself kneeling down in my grief attempting to put all of the pieces back but with each piece comes a sharp prickly corner that will not let me come to close without injuring myself. I love him - but I have to love myself enough to walk away and let you with your infinite strength and tender touch - replace the pieces with an unjagged and even more beautiful piece - Lord this is as much for him as for me - As I pray for my parents and me + John Today God is giving me the beatitudes to meditate on: Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God, and blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted - offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life
I am under grace =)
Let me then offer myself to him in righteousness which leads to holiness -> and this to Eternal Life - Oh Lord let me live for you - a slave each day for righteousness - let me pursue you. let me call upon you when I am feeling attacked - comfort me and hold me - w Let me not ever turn away but let me grasp onto you - Feed me, fulfill me, protect me, sustain me - that your will and not my own may be done - that I might do great things to further your kingdom -
Sincerely - your daughter + beloved,
Princess Julia"

(next entry is undated, written in what appears to be a harried hand)

This is a lot more difficult than I thought - You wake up one day and - a pattern A's - the man that used to always meet you for breakfast is gone from your life - and the kitty that was once waiting for you is no longer there - Sadness - Aloneness - Do they have to equal each other? Probably not - but it feels like they do - God - Why do I want to turn to every other man in the world but you when I am alone - Am I cheap? A chance 4 cheap attention - sort of seems that way - a cigarette - a cola? I DONT WANT TO GO TO BED - Grrr - Jessi We shd work out and not eat anything all day - Jewels - we should have breakfast - stop with the cigs - and not call anyone!
AAAAAAA - THIS IS HARD!

Reason.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Luke 2:8-14

Why I Hate Christmas, Part II

Ok, so we're back. Where were we? Oh right, Christmas requests...

I think I was stuck in the mindset for so long that Christmas requested me to be a fake plastic snowman, to put on a happy face and pretend all is well when inside I wanted something else. But this is what I came to request of myself. I hated Christmas not so much because of the gathering-bouncing or the present buying, but because Christmas requests something of us that I was very comfortable running and hiding from: Christmas requests that we look at ourselves and face who we are and who we were created to be in light of the Savior coming to live among us.

Let's break for a fond Christmas remembrance from my childhood: In sixth grade I had a PE coach that I think was named Coach Moore (it's funny how all school coaches just assume 'Coach' as their first name). I'm not 100% sure his name was Coach Moore, you'd think by the end of this story that his name would be burned into my memory, yet alas, it is not. I only had him for one year (our school was notorious for going through PE coaches like Rosie goes through spiral cut hams. was that mean? sorry. back to the story. quickly.) Coach Moore was a big and burly black man with a strong, deep voice that worked well to yell at you as you ran the mile or to speak soft encouragements after the game. He used to have a saying every time someone wouldn't dress out or was goofing off too much, "I'm gonna hook ya!" (give you a 'U' or failing grade) Around Christmas time, we all gathered in the gym for the Christmas assembly. Most of the students thought of assemblies as time to goof off and get out of class, and this one was no different. Until the end. I don't remember who it was, but someone asked Coach Moore to sing a Christmas song. My understanding is that it was pretty spontaneous and he was mostly unprepared, but he took the mic and proceeded to sing what would become my favorite Christmas song, with possibly my favorite song lyrics of any song. His voice lit up the gym, shaking the rafters and seemingly moving the brick walls as he sang "Oh, Holy Night." Of course the rafters and walls didn't really shake, but the rafters and walls of my heart did. To this day when I hear that song, especially the version by the band Seven Day Jesus, my heart is stirred and I tear up as I reflect on the power and truth that was spoken that day in the gym. Thanks Coach Moore (I think...)

So back to what Christmas requests of me: It requests that I recognize what's really going on, in my relationships and in my heart. It requests that I reflect on the birth of Jesus, the Incarnation of God and what that event says about me and my fellow human beings and how I am interacting with those fellow human beings. In other words, I cannot remain neutral anymore. I think this is what clicked a few weeks ago as my wife and I fought through traffic in Alderwood. I came to the point at which I was no longer willing to go through the Christmas season not feeling anything about the birth of our Savior, about the people that surround me, and about what's going on inside. I no longer hate Christmas, this time that we set aside to recognize when that we are so important to the living God that he would meet us face to face, calling us to live in the glory we were created to live in. I feel like I'm rambling, so we'll end our time together now. But not without a word from our sponsor:

Oh holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

Till He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!

Oh night divine, Oh night when Christ was born;

Oh night, Oh night divine, Oh night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Behold your King.

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

Why I Hate Christmas, Part I

Ok, so I've been battling over writing this post for a while now. Why you ask? (and if you didn't ask, well you should've. come on, get in the game, chief) Because I'm lazy, mostly, but also because I was afraid my words would come out less than coherent and I would be left confusing you and probably confused myself. Apologies from the onset. With this lovely and probably pointless introduction out of the way, here be the post:

I hate Christmas. Or, better put, up until a week or so ago I hated Christmas. Ok, maybe 'hate' is a strong word, how about this: I had a strong dislike and aversion toward the Christmas season until most recently. Why you ask? (and if you didn't ask, refer to mild scolding contained in introduction) For many reasons, among them being:
1) For the first 23 years of my life, Christmas decorations were a big deal in our home. I didn't care about them. Every year (well, every year since I was able to lug a plastic Frosty) I was forced asked to help bring everything out of storage and set it up (and there was a lot; lights, manger & faux lean-to barn, plastic people and animals, lighted stars and the like). It got old. Fast. Especially when I had already married and moved away from home and was still called back to help.
2) Family. I am a bad, bad person for the simple fact that I do not like much of my family. It's really nothing they have done to me (well, for some it is), I just find myself feeling alienated and apart from much of my family. Let me make this clear, it is not their fault. It's me. I'm the one with the problem. What that problem is, I'm not sure. I loved my family, yet found myself growing increasingly tired of bouncing from family gathering to family gathering during the holiday season. There was just so much stress involved with knowing who to get gifts for, who to not expect gifts from, and faking that I like the gift my great aunt Fanny gave me. See what I mean, it's me. I am a bad, bad person.
3) I didn't hear a whole lot about Jesus' birth, and when I did much of it felt forced or cliche or inauthentic, like we had to talk about it because it was that time of year. After the obligatory remembrances and recognitions we can put it to bed till next year. So much my focus during the holiday became on buying presents, setting up pretty lights, and spending time with people that I'd rather not. (you don't know how hard it is for me to write this because my family really is great, I love them all dearly, they're just... taxing. I love them, I really do...) In fact, I may be the problem here, too. After so many years of hearing the cliches, I became so cynical that I avoided the topic of Jesus' birth almost altogether.

So I have grown to dread the Christmas season because it requests so much from me. What I'm beginning to see is that I am growing to love the Christmas season for what it requests of me. Its requests were not exactly what I had come to see them to be, but we'll save that for the next post, you've had enough to read for right now. Rest your eyes. Curl up with a warm cup of eggnog and enjoy your family. We'll catch up later.

Horses Are Dumb

When I was a kid, I remember hearing so many of my peers wanting a horse or a pony for Christmas. As an adult, I still hear it from kids, mostly from little girls who dream of riding a horse bareback down a grassy hill with the shirtless-love-of-their-life-Fabio-looking-guy riding a few strides behind her. Ok, so maybe little girls don't think so much about the Fabio guy, but roll with me.

Here's what I'm saying - horses are dumb. What good is a horse going to do for you when you're a kid? Sure you can ride it around a little, but that'll get old quick. When I was a kid, I didn't want a horse, even then I knew they were useless to me. What did I want? A polar bear.

Heck yeah, having a polar bear as a kid would rock. If you're getting beat up on the playground and all you have is a horse, what good is that to you? I guess you can ride him to safety, but what would that teach a kid about character? If your teacher gives you a bad grade, what would a kid with a horse do, have the horse poop on the teacher's desk? (actually that would be pretty cool, I had some teachers that I'd like a horse to poo on their desk...) Anyway, a kid having trouble with his math homework? Sure, horses know lots about new math...NOT!

Now a polar bear, that's an animal that can help in all these situations and more! Kid getting beaten up? Have your polar bear eat the bully. Teacher hassling you? Have your polar bear eat her. Trouble with math? Have your polar bear eat the homework, the textbook, and then the teacher if she gives you grief over it.

Polar bears are so much cooler than horses. Yeah, so much cooler.

Oh yeah, I got bit by a horse once. No, not a lab horse, a real horse in a real field with real big teeth.

It hurt. A lot. The end.