Bios...

I was recently asked to draw up a bio on me for my job's web site. I thought I'd share it with you too:

Tim [last name removed to protect privacy]
Genius and Master Crafter of the Innocuous and Asinine

I was born a poor black child, sitting on the porch with my family, singing, dancing, way down in Louisiana. I like food, but only some of it. Some may call me picky, yet I prefer 'extremely selective' when it comes to what I put in my temple. You couldn't pay me enough to eat most foods, in fact you couldn't pay me enough to eat some of the foods we eat on the tour! But I like to talk, sometimes. And I like to be the center of attention, but only when I want to. And I like to be around people, but only some people, some of the time. I enjoy long walks along the beach, but hate when I forget my sunglasses. My favorite foods include bake at home pizzas, delivery pizza, and restaurant pizza. I also like Peter Pan peanut butter, biscuits and ketchup, pretzels, and Canada mints. I really dig Canada mints. Sushi is pretentious and for people with low self-esteem. And I am not someone with low self-esteem, except when I am. I'm also not boastful, even though nobody has more to be boastful about than me. Oh, and I like gumbo. But not the crappy gumbo they sell at Bayou on 1st. That lady's never even been to Louisiana. By the way, Louisiana was the first LA, so all you siliconed, fake tanned, stupid Los Angelesianers should recognize. Maybe the bleach has soaked in all the way to your brain-stem, I'd suggest cutting back. Anyway, I love people - anyone from anywhere!

Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.

Tim [last name removed to protect privacy]
Potentially Unemployable!

[END]

1,000 points for the first person to catch the movie references at the beginning and end.